Carolyn Hax: Tickle-torture is no laughing matter
Hi, Carolyn: My
8-year-old son recently told me he didn’t want to go to his cousins’ house. They are 11 and 12. He said they tickle-tortured him. They told him to lie down to do a trick, then one girl lifted up his shirt and held him while the other one “tickled the heck out of me,” according to him. Another time, they pried his socks off and tickled him again. He wet his pants because of this.
How should I handle this? Should I tell him to tough up and deal with it?
Too Far?: Sweet baby deity, no. Never push a kid to submit to unwelcome touching, under any circumstances.
Thank him for telling you. Tell him that what his cousins did isn’t okay, even if they insist they were just being silly; laughter can be involuntary, so it doesn’t count as consent. There’s nothing silly about restraining someone or causing discomfort and such extreme humiliation.
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Assure him it’s okay for him to choose not to be alone with these cousins or anyone else who bullies this way, to say no to suspicious invitations and to fight back in his own defense. Assure him that you will back him on this and intervene on his behalf whenever needed, including to make sure you don’t put him in this position again.
You also need to tell these girls’ parents what happened, so the parents can address their taste for power-tripping. It’s ugly. If I heard my kids were doing this, I would start some serious intervention.
Re: Tickling: Such as ... ?
Just Curious
Just Curious: Way more than "That was wrong, you're grounded." I'd explain that pinning someone down is bad news, period, because it's not okay to render someone helpless, whether or not physical pain is involved.
I’d say I was uncomfortable that they were comfortable with restraining someone. I’d ask how they’d feel if they were totally helpless at the hands of older kids. I’d ask if anyone had ever done this to them. I’d ask how they felt when the poor kid wet his pants, and remind them of a time their bodies had betrayed and embarrassed them, to help them make that connection.
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Basically, I’d make sure they looked at it from other angles, because the real issue is the stunning lack of empathy. All kids have empathy lapses sometimes, but I’d be on extended watch for any signs that it was more than an isolated thing — and do a lot of how-do-you-think-that-person-felt exercises as opportunities arose in our daily life.
Share this articleShareRe: Tickling: My family tickled me all the time and didn't stop when I asked them to because I was laughing. I trained myself to kick whenever people tickled me. I kicked really hard, and this stopped the tickling shortly thereafter. Tickling people who don't want to be tickled is abusive. Ask your son what he wants to do — not to put all the decision-making weight on a child, but to give him a choice after it was taken away from him.
Tickle-tortured
Re: Tickling: We teach our kids that "no means stop" when tickling, playing, etc.
Anonymous: Yes, thank you. This is a message that has to be delivered young, repeated often and modeled consistently.
Carolyn Hax. Get her column delivered to your inbox each morning at
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